one small joy

I was struggling. I was out of work after a hysterectomy, I had personal and IRS debt looming over me, my relationship with my husband was strained, my hormones were going crazy, and then comes my old nemesis depression.  

One night, I was laying in bed silently crying, as to not wake my husband, and wondered if it will be better for everyone if I was gone. Morning came, my husband went to work and I sat in bed wondering why to even get up. Of course I had all the “reasons”, my family loves me, they would be hurt if I died, etc. But them I also felt that things might be better for them if all of my problems went away along with me.

I envisioned what I might write in a note to my husband.  Thought about how and where I might end my life.  Wondered if I should bag up all of my things first to help erase me from their life. But then I thought of my dog Tater and what might happen to her.

Tater is special.  She’s a COVID dog in that we got her during COVID so she was never able to really be socialized.  As a result, and maybe it’s just part of her personality, she does not like people, especially people she does not know. I started to worry that she would not be ok, because she is not the kind of dog you can just drop off ant doggy day care. Only a few people can handle her and her special needs. And I knew, she, more than anyone else needed me. Because, she, just like me was only understood by few, was scared of many things, and seemed aggressive on the outside but in reality was a loving goof ball. And no one would love her like I do.

So, I got out of bed, went downstairs and spent the day on the couch with Tater Tot snuggled up next to me.  That was enough to get me through that day.  The next day I woke still feeling overwhelmed, stressed, hopeless and depressed.  But I realized that having that One Small Joy the day prior helped me to keep going.  So I decided to try and find something, every day that would help me to get out of bed and keep trying to feel happy again. 

So as often as I could, I have been finding the One Small Joy in my life. It doesn’t always come easy, and some days I really can’t find something new.  But it helps. And maybe this will also help you. That would certainly give me a joy!